Survivors' Stories

By
Alice Carleton

My story of spiritual abuse:

I was a member of a Baptist church for 31 years......in order to sing in the choir, you had to be a member; so that is the only reason I was a member....One of the gifts God gave to me was the ability to praise him in song.......During that 31 years I was in an abusive (mostly verbal) situation; I went to the pastor on many occasions, but nothing changed, and I didn't get the help I needed. (he always talked about how everyone should be held accountable)......I finally got the courage to get a divorce (after 31 years of abuse) (we had been to many counselors, I read, wrote and went to counseling)....found the book that after 25 years, told me what I was experiencing (I had no idea that it had a name:

(verbal abuse)....if it were in my power, I would have everyone on the planet read the book: VERBAL ABUSE by Patricia Evans.......the pastor told me that I had gotten a "non-Biblical divorce", and unless I agreed to "reconcile" he would have to "do something"---that something was removing me from membership.....I told him that there was no such thing as a non-Biblical divorce, just as there is not a non-Biblical lie or murder..this made no sense to me.....it's a divorce, or a lie....period.......for 18 months I allowed the church to drag me through a nightmare of phone calls, letters and meetings......in the meantime, God sent me an angel, a therapist who is also a pastor, and counsels people who have been spiritually abused; he walked with me through this horror.....I had ocular migraines, nightmares and TMJ, and had to take time off from work because of the stress. I came close to losing my job, because of the work I had to miss, but I wouldn't give up---I felt what they were doing was wrong.. My intention was to try to make a change….for the women who had been mistreated upon getting a divorce, to stop the pastor from counseling------(he is qualified Biblically, but not psychologically) ---you cannot have one, without the other. You are dealing with people's lives and minds. I know two women who wanted to commit suicide, because of his "counseling." If someone told me that something I said caused them to want to commit suicide, I could not live with myself; the damage is incalculable. A few highlights: I was called to a meeting of the deacons to answer 3 questions. (I had already answered them), and wasn't allowed to take a woman member with me; but I was allowed to take my therapist (who wasn't a member). There is such disparity over the way women are treated vs. men---(the good ole boys' network, as it were). I gave the participants information on the chronology of events leading up to the divorce, and what had happened to me; 2 of the deacons asked me if I was still having sex (the pastor had also asked me that 3 other times)-with my ex-husband. I had allowed him to reside in my home after the divorce---I was astounded---I just stared at them. I asked the pastor what was the difference between me and any other divorced woman in choir....he said the difference was: "I counseled you"---so I believe right from the beginning it was a personal issue...I asked if he wanted to make an example of me. His response: "absolutely." I sent him one of the many books on spiritual abuse, and he returned it, with notes on all of the pages!! The end result was he called a business meeting of all the members to vote me and the ex-husband out of membership, of course I attended...... I stood up and made a motion that they not vote that night until they had found out the information they needed to know....(even then, not realizing how legalistic this procedure was)...the vote was to wait---I was grateful, and thought they would want to hear my story of what happened, but no one ever spoke to me at all.....I had a church member (man) call me and verbally abuse me on how I dressed, etc., etc...I had an anonymous letter (?!) From someone, and she signed it 'A Friend'----friends are not anonymous----I wonder what she was afraid of "paranoid"

I had stood up in front of the whole congregation and read a speech.....the pastor waited one week (not one member called me to find out what had happened), and then called another vote...on my birthday, no less! ..I attended my own "hanging"---the congregation voted 100 to 3 to take away my/our membership. The real horror was that there was a big screen in front of the church, and they put my name up there with the words:

CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD-----The words after my ex-husband's name were: CHURCH DISCIPLINE (?!)----WHY the disparity?! I sat there in shock; my precious friend sat beside me in shock, and crying..... after the vote, some were crying ....God gave me incredible grace I was hugging them, and smiling and laughing as if nothing had happened!! I believe the tears were for themselves…… There are none so blind.........I had sent the pastor and deacons incredible amounts of information, excerpts from books and the internet, but it did no good. I guess that is what control/power does; it blinds one to the truth. I was told by the pastor that we were married in God's eyes; so this made no sense.

My Experience

A grief----too deep-----------for tears
A time to mourn-----unspoken fears
I have to mend--------a broken heart
Where to start-----and on what part?
All others see-----is just a smile
A journey I take----starts with a mile
All that's left----is faith and hope
A reason to live-----to I can cope
One breath-----one step-----one prayer a day
No one can ever-----------take that away
Angels are listening-----surrounding me still-------
Man is silent------they do what they will
I'll never give up----and never give in
I am not the one------who committed that sin

One breath----one step----one prayer a day
A searing pain------------can take my breath away
My mind does scream
My heart does bleed------
"christians" ignoring-----a sister in need
The people that should have cared------
Their minds----------must be ensnared
Their minds--------made up
I chose to drink------that bitter cup
But, still in all (hallelujah!)
I DID stand up
To say what needed to be said
But minds were fixed----their souls were dead
And now, I seek to mend
Jesus is with me--------until the end
I was a member of your family for (31) years
You threw me out--------WHAT WERE THOSE TEARS?!
My mind is bleeding
My heart is pleading
You did what you thought was right
Was it really--------in Jesus' sight-
You'll stand before Him on judgement day
I wonder what------you think He will say-------
If He judges you----the way that you judged me
Heaven will contain-----------some misery
You judged my child
Her "case" was filed
Without a word or question
You threw her out
ONE HUNDRED OF you----without one doubt-
My life for her----I'd already bought
It seems for you-----it was all for naught
For "the greatest of these is LOVE......"
...and he watches from above.......
My mind reels----with anguish and with pain
How will I ever learn------to trust again-?
I bled and died........
She painfully cried
Some of her spirit----crushed inside
I wrapped my spirit around her that day
How is it that YOU-----have nothing to say?!
I have to forgive you
I have no choice
Where is NOW-----your heart, your soul---------your voice?